Biff da Bear Collection

Been really busy lately (Like who hasn't?)

Hey there!  after a long hiatus I'm back!

Just dropping a note to talk about some of the stuff that I have been working on.

I have had my picture taken - a LOT - and this means I can be put on more stuff out there on the market.

So now in addition to Christmas Cards, I have Greeting cards too!

I have even starred in a few of the commercials commercials!

You can check those out here at Andrew Moor Photography in the 

Biff da Bear Collection!:

I'm also coming out with a sweet sweet winter collection gift pack.  I think you'll like it!

Okay, time to find some more chocolate to eat!

Biff!

Growing a Christmas Tree

Growing a Christmas Tree is Important Stuff seeing how Christmas is coming really fast! Here is a guide to Growing your very own Christmas Tree.

1. 
   Make sure you have enough space to grow the tree. Have a lot of space. Take roughly that much space.. and maybe double it! I know I have enough space because I measured it. Generally speaking you should always have measurements. These can be anything provided the numbers for the space you need are smaller than when you measure the room.
2. 
   First I measured how high it was... Don't forget to allow plenty of room for my--- errrr Your presents UNDER the tree (over didn't work well when we tried it). Here I am checking something called Height. Take down the number you see at the bottom of the tape - and make sure when you grow your tree it is less high than that.
   
   Be careful when taking the measurements or this may happen!
3. There is another measurement called Width which is also important. Here I am carefully checking Width:
   
   If the tree is too wide, you might lose presents or worse stuffed bears under it! Make sure to carefuly note the Width as people seem to like having both height and width together, don't ask me why...
4. 
   Always start off with Good Quality Dirt. Don't skimp on dirt - the dirtier the better! Hey Buddy! Get your own dirt! This dirt looks sufficiently dirty. You may or may not wish the dirt to be "contained" in a "container" that is up to you. As my wrangler is a neat freak he insisted I use the container.
5. Dig a hole large enough for the Christmas Tree seed to be buried up to the neck. Many of you mistakenly believe these things are called "ornaments". I don't know about these "ornaments" but I do know about Christmas Tree seeds!
   
6. Bury the Christmas Tree seed in the dirt. Call them ornaments or seeds or whatever what you want, but you can't have a Christmas Tree without them! This particular seed was taken from last years' tree which was a very good year indeed as I got everything I asked Santa for!
   
   
7. 
   Water carefully. Too much water and the tree will be too big. Not enough water and the tree will be too small. Water it just right! DO IT!
8. Now for the boring part. Take a nap during this phase folks, it's a real snoozer! B-O-R-I-N-G!(but necessary) Here you simply wait for the tree to grow....like so.
   
   
9. After your nap, turn around and VOILA!
   
   If all your planning went right, you now have a Christmas Tree!

Sunday-a-Go-Go!!

Hello there!

It's been a while since I've posted anything here... Such is the life of a busy Bear!

I just had the most Amazing Day filled with all kinds of things stuffed bears like! (If you're curious, you can always refer to my handy guide to What Bears Like.)

Here's a little about it:

There are many days of the week. In fact, some would say there are as many as seven!

I don't really know how many days there actually are because bears aren't that good at math and counting, but I typically don't disagree with the "experts". I just know that on this particular day, let's call it Sunday, I had an Awesome Day!

Today's events were centered around a few things from that list.


Start with Coffee

Today was a BONUS SUPER SPECIAL DAY!  I was First in Line for coffee!  YAYS!  As you can see morning traffic can get pretty hairy around the coffee pot.  Here I am with the twins Russ and Russty, and Barry.

Barry is a bit of what we call a "free thinker" around here.  You will notice that he's holding a wine glass. 

It's best not to ask too many questions about him, but apparently he feels like many bears -- that coffee is like fine wine, and therefore should only be enjoyed using the appropriate stemware!  He was last in line because he took forever to find the right glass... I don't even remember if he got any coffee!

Once the coffee was looked after, we get down to business with....


Hunting for Chocolate

Chocolate is a bear's Prime Objective. Seriously! OMG we are finely tuned chocolate hunting machines. One sniff and we can tell you everything there is to know about any molecule of chocolate within a thousand kilometers!

Here we have a very grave situation indeed!  Very very grave.  tsk tsk tsk!  my handler has somehow neglected his care of me.  Just look at that container!

You can see the bottom of it!

EEEK!

Well, good thing it's grocery day!  I made sure that chocolate was on the shopping list, that's for sure!

What (little) chocolate was left in the container went into the coffee to make a bear's favourite beverage: the often imitated Top Secret mocha-choco-wacka-lacka-latte!  Essentially it's coffee flavoured chocolate fudge.

Oh dear, I've said too much!

Once the Coffee and the Chocolate situations were under control (barely), it was down to business, I decided to go through some paperwork and Hello, that`s this?!

S-C-O-R-E-!

That settles it, Road Trip!

Quickly Quickly now!


Fame and Fortune (and Cupcakes?)


I told my Handler to drop everything and get me to the cup-cakery! This was Important! (see I even had it underlined)

...except on the way there, my agent called.  He told me that they were making a movie near the cupcake place.  *sigh* So duty calls. I am doing this for my adoring public.

I mean look, it's not like I need the money.  Hello!! FREE CUPCAKE?

Still, work is work, and I need to keep my creative output up. I'll call this a "side project" and that way if it fails, no worries!

I show up on location, but it's pretty quiet - almost deserted:

*crickets chirping in background*

So obviously this is a waste of my time.  I call my agent... and start chewing them out. This is cutting into my cupcake time!

Please don't ever call me again!

etc. etc.

While I was making the call, somewhere along the line they called "Quiet on the Set!". I was pretty wrapped up complaining to my agent. If they really wanted it quiet on the set before they started the film rolling, they should have asked more loudly so that I could have heard what they were saying.

Well, as I was still yelling and screaming after they asked for quiet, my side project hopes looked pretty dim:

So I did what every celebrity does when things don't go well on a "side project":

I went for lunch.

Every lunch tells a story and here's mine:

• Salad - indicates: "austerity measures are in effect".
• Chicken on Salad - indicates: "although money is tight things aren't all that bad"
• Sunglasses - indicates "still on the A list for getting into night clubs"
• Fork in right Hand - indicates "not really into art films. Think action / adventure"
• Dressing on the side - indicates "I was passed over for the last action / adventure lead role because of weight issues but am working with a personal trainer."
• Herbal Tea - indicates "Anger management issues"

 After lunch, which I didn't really eat.. (it's really about being SEEN isn't it?)  I decided to check out the:


Free Cupcake!
  

When sussing out free cupcakes, it is vital (again with the underline) to scope out the source.

This place looked legit.

So I moved in for the Kill......

Here I am sauntering into the store like it's nobody's business!

They will not see me coming and "BAM"!

"Yo Lady, Make with the free cupcake and then I'll just be on my way..... yeah that's it.  No false movies and let's just get this over with."

 I'll leave with my cupcake and you'll have that piece of paper you were silly enough to leave lying around with the words "Free Cupcake" written on.

Things didn't exactly go according to plan....

I mean LOOK AT THEM ALL!  they are so CUUUTE!  and numy and chocolate-y and cup-cakey and RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!  OMG !  AND YOU WANT ME CHOOSE JUST ONE?  JUST ONE? *SOB*

I later found out that the FREE CUPCAKE coupon I had was good for a Jumbo cupcake.

At this point I had already made plans for eating several of the mini-cupcakes, so I bought them too....

It looks like I'll be eating salad for a little while longer when I "do lunch".

Oh well, it was worth the added expense for the Free Cupcake that I got.

I couldn't wait to get home and sort and store them and look at them... soo pretty!  OMG!  Hurry Hurry!  I can still smell them.

Helllooooo!  Why isn't there a taxi when you need it? I am having a crisis.

Once again.... things didn't exactly go as planned:

I accidentally licked one... to see if it was going to be any good.

*cough* Things sort of lost control after that. At least I think so. the details are sort of sketchy in my mind..  just know that instinct took over and.... RAWR!

So much for saving them.....


Winding Down (or maybe a time out... Still unclear.)

After all the excitement of a Very Busy Day, a bear needs to unwind (and it takes time to burn off the sugar). So I did a couple of things.

I played some World of Bearcraft.  this is normally very relaxing, except today for some reason.

Today we had a daily eating quest assigned to us by some guy in the game town.who's asking us to do stuff, like, every day.

I was supposed to gather and eat 100 cupcakes!

OMG!  Did you see that?

DID YOU SEE THAT?

THAT MONSTER STOLE MY CUPCAKE!

Die monster Die die DIE DIE!!! (you knew that was going to be underlined)

Okay, so perhaps not the best choice for relaxation... my handler quickly shut down the video game and suggested another option:

Watching the laundry channel.

This is very soothing indeed... watching the clothes go round and round. Just sit with a friend and some snacks... and watch.. and sit and watch..

and sit...

hmmmm glad that's not me in there...

ZZzzzzzzzzzz!

Huh?  What's Bedtime already?

Okay... I'm sorta sleeeep......ZZZzZZZZZzzzzz!

heh well, my handler managed to get me upstairs and I got ready for bed.

*droool*

I pretended to have Rabies while I was brushing my teeth!  What do you think?  Convincing?  Hehehehehehe.

It was a pretty long day for me.  I got my handler to tuck me in and then it was time for sleep.

Hope you all had a good Sunday too!

G'night! 


*bear hug* Biff

Facebook Anyone?

Hey there!

You can now follow me on Facebook for short, up-to-the-minute updates, fun photos and status posts!

Take Me Away!! to the The Small Brown Bear's Fabulous Book of Face Page!

Cheers!

Biff

Bear on Patrol - "The Incidents" while Racing

Sproing!  Spring Already?

Ahhh Spring - When a certain bear's thoughts (mine, silly) turn to thoughts of skiing while basking in sunlit afternoons, watching the snow melt and dreaming of the fresh berry parfaits to come.

Speaking of snow melting, my wrangler was once asked by this British lady who was visiting Canada to ski:  "What do they do with the man-made snow in the Spring?"

His answer?  "Well, we actually pack it all up in labeled containers that go into storage so that we can put it back on the hill next winter!" (I wish I thought of that)

She seemed happy with the answer until I screamed "NOT!" and started giggling.

"actually....It melts like real snow." my now embarrassed wrangler said.

Oh well. Now where were we?


Olympics - Schmolympics!

So this Spring I caught a little Olympic Fever....

Now make no mistake, I have all kinds of respect for all kinds of people.  I think that it takes a certain amount of courage to be strapped into a portable cave with no real control of where I go or how fast I go because my wrangler likes to hurtle down the hill at astonishing speeds apparently trying to approach the speed of light to slow down aging or something.  WHEEEEEE!

I mean that's all good and stuff, but where is the control, I mean how do I get any say in what happens during all this excitement?

and now they tell me that this is a sport?  I don't think so!

How hard can it be to stand on two feet stuck on long plastic-y slippy things and go down a hill?  I figure with 4 legs it should be a snap!  A SNAP!  I tell you!  The only thing I would be worried about is stopping, but after careful observations, I have concluded that stopping happens naturally because people and bears have bums.

Well, after months and months of begging and pleading my wrangler (Okay 10 minutes, but man did I put the pressure on), I was ready to make my skiing debut!

Being new at skiing and laughing at Danger (HAH! Take That Danger!), I borrowed some of my wrangler's ski gear.  No helmet required because I know what I'm doing!  So I grabbed his skis and headed down the hill for a run.

His last words were:  "Oh my Goodness!  You look killer on my skis!" or something like that.....


Trial Run - Can I get a Do-Over?

So with skiing being so easy, I figure for my first run I'll go down the really steep expert run with some of my friends.  Here they are waiting for me.  There's Don on the left, Courtney in the middle and Céline on the right!



Now I was strapped into the skis, and ready for my first run!  YAY!  Now to join the others....Who put that sign there?  All I need to do is get on the other side of that stupid sign!

The sign says D-A-N-G-E Oh dear....

My Sunglasses fell off! Man is it bright. I'll read the sign later...

Man are these ski things slippy!

Whoa!

I mean like, totally WHOA!

RIGHT TURN! RIGHT TURN!!

Hey Guys!

I'll be right over!  Just give me a secon.... whooooops!

OOOOWIE!



I think I deviated my solarplexus!

I don't remember much after that except that I probably peed a little bit and felt really really woozy!  The next thing I DO remember is Céline running up to me and asking if she could help me!

What?  Why would I need help?  I was perfectly fine!  Nothing to see here!  Move along people!  Sheesh!

She wouldn't have any of that, and started to examine me like we learned in our Ski Patrol training course.

1.  Check to make sure the bear is breathing and has a pulse.  Check!  This might be important because I might be dreaming all this...



2.  She held my head and asked what was wrong.  I was good and told her exactly what was wrong with me.  "I've double-parked my solar-powered Lexus" I said.  She looked at me, smiled and said "I think you've hit your head!"



3.  So Céline checked me out from head to toe to make sure that nothing was really wrong with me, being careful not to move my head. She said I was probably just fine but that I should get everything checked out by a doctor "in case".

and before I knew it, I was being given a ride down the hill in a rescue toboggan with someone holding me in so that they could bring me down the hill safe and sound.  I still felt sore, but the toboggan ride was fun and I didn't throw up!

I was not very impressed with the clinic.  Yeah the blankets were all snuggy warm and the pillows were comfy, but is this any way to treat a patient?  I mean, REALLY?  I was pretty sure that my insurance had extra coverage for a Private Room and Clinic complete with spa treatments and hot-and-cold running cocoa.  Sorry guys but this wasn't gonna cut it!

While I was in the clinic, I got a pretty good view of a race course they had set up on the hill:



and I got to thinking:

Racing - Why Not?

Well after that first run I wasn't gonna let a head bump and a little wooziness stand in the way of my Ski Glory!  No way!

So, I decided to try again, and let's make it interesting!

I rode the chairlift to the top of the hill and managed to sit next to a ski racing coach.  He gave me everything I needed to know.

Here is a picture of someone who is racing (they are just to the right of the red fence-y thingy)




Racing Secrets I learned from a coach:

• Go around the red and the blue stick things.
• When you go around the red and blue stick things, just follow the other tracks to make sure you go around the right way.
• If you fall and you are headed for one of the red fence-y things, they tangle you up and stop you if your bum doesn't work properly to do this.
• The red and blue stick things are bendy and snap back really hard!
• The reason people who are racing go so fast is so that the red and blue stick thingies don't have time to snap back and bop you on the nose!
• If you are bopped on the nose, try not to cry or swear or go into the red fence-y things..
• If you manage to avoid getting bopped on the nose, or do not get caught in the red fence-y things, and you manage to go through all the red and the blue stick things in the right order, you have "finished" and are given a series of random numbers called a "time".
• You have two tries to get a "time"
• The lowest random "time" wins.

I was ready! and I was wearing my lucky sunglasses for well, for.... luck.  Not that I needed it!



....but first, because I figured I would be going super-duper pretty fast, I would check out the fence-y things because I was pretty sure they wouldn't be able to stop me.

I then asked my wrangler to throw me at the fence-y stuff really hard! 

He's a good listener!

I was going so fast everything was just a blur and then I felt like someone was trying to put me through a strainer... and then Sproing!  The fence-y stuff stopped me!

I was going to be fine.

Now for that race.

*sigh*

Well, I was ready!  I was growling, I was INTENSE!  I was all over the hill screaming my head off to get people out of the way!

Those red and blue stick things kept bopping me on the nose faster and faster and faster!  Holeeee!  I didn't have time to think or react!  I just went for it.

I was about to cry or swear or both!  I couldn't take it any more!  So fast... so much nose-bopping pain!

...I think I almost made it past the third stick thingy when...

PAFF!



Oh dear.....

Unfortunately my second try was just too dangerous to show anyone on the internet. I don't even want to talk about it!

So after the second try,

...I was being given a ride down the hill in a rescue toboggan with someone holding me in so that they could bring me down the hill safe and sound.  I now felt terribly sore, I was sure I left my solarplexus behind in that fence-y stuff but the toboggan ride was fun and I only threw up a little!

It was a good thing the blankets were all snuggly warm and the pillows were comfy, because I had a rough day! I also decided that I would leave racing to the people who were good at going down the hill on two feet on skis. My wrangler also ordered safety gear for me for next time but perhaps being carried around in the Safety Cave going near the speed of light wasn't so had after all!


I think my solarplexus made a complete recovery.

Bear on Patrol - "Typical Day"?

In the Beginning....

*yawn* Good Morning!

OMG Would you look at the time?  I'm scared to.

What do you mean it's six in the morning?

SIX IN THE FREAKIN' MORNING?  - ON A WEEKEND??

Who gets up then?  ^SNORE^

Wha?  Huh?  Budidonwannagetupanouttabed.....no, tooearly.  Mustsleep. *mumble*

Okay, whosgonnamakecoffeeanitbetternotbeme! GRarrrrrr!  Grumpy Bear!  Outta my way!

Yeah, mornings are so not pretty.  Not where I live anyhow.  I never was much of a morning bear.  In fact, if you would kindly remove mornings from the day, I would be much happier.

After Coffee, Shower, Breakfast and a 20 minute drive

I am not even sure how I got here, but apparently I get to ski today.  My first day as a Bear on Patrol!  It's still morning, and the chairlift hasn't even started yet.  As my wrangler was one of the first in the door, it's up to him to make the coffee for everyone else!

Now I'm not faulting him for poor coffee skills, but some things are sacred and should never be trusted to amateurs.  I know, because while I was mostly asleep this morning, HE made the coffee.  I am still trying to figure out how something that is normally so good can taste like it was filtered through moldy socks! *shudder*

Note how I keep the chocolate nearby too. The mark of a true coffee artiste!  That's a tin of hot chocolate! OH BOY! I usually put a bit in my coffee to help mornings along! 

Ahhhh, that's better! Nothing like a cup of coffee while you put your jammies back on an relax to enjoy the morni..... WHAT? There's more to do? You're killing me! I just made coffee. What do you mean I have to share the coffee with everyone? Good Grief!

And now I have to go where? OUTSIDE? But it's cold out there! They are making snow! It's so cold.... I don't want to go outside! I'm going to radio for help if you keep threatening me!

*sigh*  Well, next thing you know I'm riding the chairlift up to the top of the mountain.  I was right, it was freezing up there!  January and it's sooo cold.  When it's this cold, they can spray water into the air and it falls down frozen, sort of like snow.  My friends around the world laugh because they think it's silly that we have to make snow in Canada.  I laugh back at them and say we have to make so much snow because all of their hot air keeps melting it.



The only problem with making snow this way is that sometimes it makes it really really really foggy!  So foggy that I get lost at the top of the hill, and being a small bear, that can be a big problem.

After a few minutes of shouting as my wrangler left me up there lost and alone while he took a run down the mountain and left me behind  (Me?  Complain? Hardly.), I was picked up and put back into my portable cave where I pretty much stayed until it was coffee break time.  I had the portable cave heater turned up to Full-Blast and it was still pretty chilly (except for my bum which was toasty)!

At coffee break time I got to meet a very nice, tall man who sort of looks like a skinny Santa Claus, which is funny because his name is Nick!  Nick is the Patrol Leader.  I think he got that job because he is so tall, that people can always see where he's leading.

He put me on his head and I almost hit the ceiling!



Nick told me it was time to start toboggan training.  I know --you would figure that since I went to the hill and did some skiing that I would know everything (which I do - just no one believes me).  Apparently not.

Down to Business

First, there is no pretending here. Tobogan training is really hard for a small bear. The toboggan weighs about 100 lbs. That's well.... that's like well, 170 times more than I weigh!  If I got run over by that it would HURT!

The instructors would have none of that, so they strapped me into the handlebars of the big blue toboggan and told me to bring it down the hill. Only there was a small problem, well more like a big problem!



So I asked if there was something I could do that was less tricky and more suited to someone my size. They quickly came up with something much better. They said I could be an injured skier (I only had to pretend I was hurt --which I am really good at from all of the training I took in the Fall). What better thing for me than an acting job!

Because I am so small though, I needed an actual person holding me. "Extra weight" they called him. I was brilliant though. I was all groaning and acting sore all over, and "don't touch me that hurts"... I was especially convincing when I was acting scared because the hill was so steep and scary. Here are the highlights of my performance:





...and I didn't even need to call in the stunt double!

Toboggan training went so well that I passed no problem.  In fact I was told that I had a unique acting talent that the world wasn't really ready for.  Unique talent!  Imagine that!



And so we come to this....

Well, it was now 4:30 p.m., and time to hand over everything to the night crew.  So we all headed back over to the Ski Patrol room after we made sure that no one who was really hurt was left stuck on the hill.  They call this part Evening Sweep although I didn't see any brooms and we left the snow sort of messy.

The end of the day also means handing in your radio.  Here I am at the sign-in book handing back my radio.

I loved having a radio.  It was pretty much the saddest part of my day to have to hand in that radio.  Oh the conversations we had and the secrets we shared!  I did find it a little strange that the Patrol Leader Nick and pretty much everyone else looked relieved when I handed in my radio.  Maybe they didn't like all of the times I used my radio to ask if the coffee in the Patrol room was fresh?  One day I'll ask them.

Now for the last order of business, we have a sign to remind people that they should be skiing - all day which is a lot, and that they should have a lunch too (although I didn't need reminding about lunch),  like so:



I didn't have the heart to tell them that it looks like a traffic light.

After a long day of skiing, we all wait in the Ski Patrol room while we make sure everyone that signed in is back safe and sound.  Then a few quick announcements, and then the moment we are all waiting for.  You see, as Ski Patrollers we spend all day in out ski boots, even at lunch.  We do this so that if there is an accident on the hill that needs lots of people to help we can get there fast!  I got a ski boot exemption because my wrangler pretty much carries me, and a bear in ski boots would be silly! Everyone else is waiting to see this:



and then we tell stories about how great we were while drinking sodas, and then go home and eat pizza!





.....Next time I'll talk about "The Race"....